Team Rocket's Bad Day
by Hyperwryter88
Summary: A First-Person POV action and comedy story where a mysterious trainer takes on Team Rocket a.k.a. Jessie, James, and Meowth  using "pokemon" that they've never seen before. Who will win? A pokemon crossover, sorta. Enjoy.
1. The Beginning

**This here is my second pokemon crossover fic. The idea for this story was conceived from a joke I told while gaming online. My brother insisted that I turn it into a fic so I first wrote a prototype sample of it in one of my notepads and when I showed it to him, he found it too hilarious so I had to give in and post it.**

**Everything you read here will be written in the 1st person POV(to those who are not familiar with this term, it means Point Of View). Everything you read, except my computer, myself, and two of my custom characters, is not owned by me. They belong to whoever invented the Pokemon franchise. Like all my stories from the past and the future, this kind of message will only be said once and never repeated in future chapters as I find it annoying to write it on all chapters.**

**Well, here goes...**

Who might I be, you ask? Sorry, but my name is something I choose to keep classified. What I can tell you however, is that I am a 21 year old pokemon trainer and ever since I began my journey long ago, I have traveled across the lands, searching far and wide for challenging people to engage in pokemon combat with to improve myself as a trainer. When it comes to new and inexperienced trainers, I always avoid a rumble with them because I, a skilled veteran taking on beginners or those who just plain sucks at the sport means an easy victory and that is something I don't enjoy. It's just not in my taste.

My current adventure all started on one bright and sunny day. I was driving around a wide, open dirt field in my roofless Jeep. I had my radio playing my favorite tunes on full blast and I was thrashing around like a maniac to it. Oh, man how I was enjoying myself. Inside my vehicle, I had so much as a water canteen, a spare gas container filled and ready just in case, stickers and memorabilia of my favorite interests, and a khaki colored duffel bag in the back seat.

I was on my way over to the next town or city in search of any exciting events and upcoming pokemon competitions and if possible, a place to crash for later on. My personal description was a gray ball cap, a brick-red sleeveless shirt with "Touch me to receive a free beating super sized!" written in gold lettering on the front, twin tattoos on each of my shoulders showing a pokeball engulfed in flames, silver wrist bands, camo baggy pants with eight zipper pockets, a bullet belt with a King of Diamonds playing card belt buckle, and a pair of brown hiking boots.

As I kept driving along minding my own business, I stumbled across a group of four strangers. One of them was a young girl, probably in her late teens to around my age I guessed. She had purple-dyed hair with pigtails, a blue light vest with a yellow shirt underneath with a "Don't do it." message on its front in green lettering, a mood ring on the ring finger of her right hand, a pair of blue skinny jeans and shoes with lightening bolt streaks on their sides. She resembled a trainer to me.

As for the other three folks with her, they were either trainers themselves or a bunch of wannabes, I was unsure which term best suited my view of them.

They were a man and a woman, with them was a cat pokemon known as a Meowth. The woman was holding in her hands a medium-sized plastic bag and it looked like it was filled with something. They were also wearing these stupid-looking uniforms with a big red "R" stitched on them. The man had a white, long sleeved shirt, black gloves, pants that bore the same color as his shirt and wore short, black boots. He also had blue hair in a dorky style. To me, he looked like a complete buffoon.

The woman donned a uniform similar to her friend's, only she had a shirt that exposed her midriff, gloves that completely covered both of her arms, long boots that reached to her thighs, a mini skirt and green ball earrings. The most disturbing part I found about her was her hair. It was light red and resembled a tail as it was extended far back down from her head all the way to her lower back. What kind of a hairstyle fashion was that? Was that even a fashion at all? Good freaking grief!

I then noticed the kid looked upset about something and the others and the Meowth, who I couldn't believe was speaking in complete sentences like a human instead of saying its name like a normal pokemon, were harassing and laughing at her for it like a school bully does to a school outcast.

I knew it was none of my business but just to be sure, I felt I had to pull over and investigate. I was no authority figure but still, I just hated it when things like this happened.

I stepped out of my vehicle and walked over to the four.

"Hey!" I shouted. "Somebody mind telling me what's going on here?"

They all turned their heads to me and the man, woman, and Meowth changed the looks on their faces from gloating to irritation.

"Make like a Cloyster and get outta here, buddy! This ain't none of your business!" they said to me.

I folded my arms across my chest and rolled my eyes. Not only did these three fools dress badly, they talked badly too. I mean, 'Make like a Cloyster and get out of here?' What the hell kind of threatening catchphrase was that? If they wanted to threaten me, they should at least do it right.

The girl looked at me with a worried expression and spoke with her voice cracking up.

"You have to help me out, mister! These people beat me in a match by cheating and stole all my pokemon! I asked them to return them to me but they refused and started harassing me for my loss!" Tears were beginning to form in her eyes just from telling her story.

So that's what was in that sack of theirs. I glared at the trio with a look in my eyes that expressed small anguish.

"Let me guess," I said. "You three are con artists/pokemon thieves. Am I right?" I already knew the answer to that question.

"You're darn right we are!" said the woman. "We're so hardcore and we do what we want when we want!"

Then they placed themselves in an odd battle stance. It was no battle stance against me or the kid trainer.

It was something much worse.

"Prepare for trouble!" the woman started.

"And make it double!" her accomplice said next.

"To protect the world from devastation..."

"To unite all peoples within our nation..."

"To pronounce the evils of truth and love..."

"To extend our reach to the stars above..."

"Jessie!" the woman shouted proudly.

"James!" the man followed.

"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"

The talking Meowth finished it off by jumping in and shouting, "Me-owth, that's right!"

Team Rocket, so that's what the stupid ass "R"s stood for. I didn't know about the robbed girl here, but all I could do then and there was stare blankly and confess how I felt about what they just said.

"Wow...that has got to be THE biggest load of crap I have ever, ever heard! Probably even more crappier than that 'make like a Cloyster' thing you mentioned earlier."

The three thieves glared angrily at me and shouted, "How DARE you insult the motto of the legendary Team Rocket Syndicate!"

I simply said to them without fear or remorse, "See, this is what you're doing." I raised my right hand and flapped it open and shut like it were talking. I then closed my hand shut completely. "THIS is what I want you to do. Any questions?"

They were stunned at what I did.

"Did you just tell us to...?".

"Yes! Did you figure that out all by yourself?" I answered smartly with a smirk upon my face.

They were feeling pretty enraged right about now. "Oh, did I piss you three off? I sarcastically asked. "Good."

They had quite enough of my smart-mouthing and demanded a pokemon battle with me.

"You got any pokemon to fight with besides that freakish talking Meowth of yours? Because if you want to fight, you're going to have to do better than that."

"Hey!" said the Meowth.

Well, duh! Of course we do! Not just our own, but that little loser's as well!" James said.

"Screw you, ugly maggots!" the teen trainer shouted at them. This made them angry, especially the witch with the stupid-looking hair.

"You little brat! Nobody insults us like that and gets away with it!" she screamed at the top of her voice.

I smirked. "Well, apparently she just did, and just a minute ago, so had I." The victimized trainer smiled a bit from hearing my comeback while the freaks before us could do nothing about it.

"That's it! Let's go, punk!" said Jessie. She placed the bag of stolen pokeballs down and they took out their own pokeballs.

"Ready to lose?" I said jokingly.

I turned to the trainer standing next to me and said, "Don't worry, kid. I'll win back your pokemon for you."

She wiped her eyes and said to me, "Good luck."

She backed up a bit as I cracked the knuckles on my hands and in my neck and set my thoughts to what I liked to call, my "Ass-Whooping Mode".

"One rule though!" I said to Team Rocket. "If I win, you return this girl's pokemon back to her."

They stared at me for a moment. "And if we win...?"

I took a deep breath and exhaled calmly. "If you defeat me, you get to keep not only her pokemon, but mine as well. I'll even surrender ownership of my vehicle you see behind me to you."

I pointed to my jeep. It shone in the sunlight like a game show prize. "Deal?"

James and I marched toward each other, stopped and shook on it. "Oh, you're on!" he said evilly. We then went back to our spots.

"Alright. Who's up first?" I asked.

Jessie stepped up. "That would be me."

I was about to withdraw a pokeball from my belt but I stopped. "Wait a minute. I'll be right back!" I said out loud so all can hear.

The trainer and Team Rocket all stood and looked at me as I jogged to my jeep.

"Um, what are you doing?" the kid asked me. I looked around my glove compartment until I found what I wanted. I turned on the stereo/CD player and popped the disc in. I fiddled with the knobs for the right track to play. Track 4 of my CD played a tune known to many pokemon fanatics as the Classic Battle Theme.

"That's more like it!" I said to myself and I turned the knob to increase the volume and returned for the battle to start.

I removed my pokeball and gave the hand signal to begin. Her two partners took out a large boxing ring bell and rang it.

Both my opponent and I threw out our pokemon into battle.

Round 1 was underway.

**Tell me what you think and if you liked it, I'll post more chapters. Unlike my other stories, this is my first all comedy type, normally I'm more of the action, horror and slasher type but for now I'll try my hand at the humor genre.**

**Please, reserve the review section for positive comments while all negative and/or suggestive ones are to go in the Private Messaging section.**

**Enjoy the story.**


	2. Round 1

**Round 1. The narrator vs. Jessie of Team Rocket. Let the battle begin!**

**(bell dings)

* * *

**

"Go Seviper!" Jessie said.

The pokeball opened and a snake pokemon called Seviper appeared. It had green skin with golden "plates" on its body and face, two big-ass long red fangs, a batch of purple on the left side of its face, a sword-like shape at the end of its tail and red demonic-looking eyes. It hissed at me with aggression.

Pfft! Was I supposed to show fear of that thing? Get real.

My pokeball opened and revealed my combatant. It had almost no hair on its head, a white workshirt, blue pants, and black shoes. Its entire skin was yellow.

Team Rocket, their Seviper and the trainer grew curious to my pokemon. The trainer took out a handheld computer device known as a 'pokedex" and flipped it open. She typed some buttons on the thing's keypad and aimed it at my pokemon.

It beeped twice and spoke in a female mechanical voice.

"Homer Simpson, the stupid pokemon. This pokemon's unhealthy lifestyle of doughnuts, alcoholic beverages, lazing around and watching television is the main cause of its weight problem and low intelligence, but makes up for it with its combat skills. Homer Simpson's attacks are Doughnut Chowdown, Intoxication, Belch, and Rageahol."

She lowered her pokedex and watched on.

Jessie said to her pokemon, "Seviper, use Poison Sting!"

The snake pokemon screeched as it opened its mouth and launched purple needle particles at Homer Simpson.

I simply rolled my eyes. "Homer, dodge Seviper's attack and use Doughnut Chowdown!" I commanded it.

"Homer!" it grunted and evaded said attack and when it got the chance, it pulled out a pink box and opened it. Inside the box were twelve pink frosted sugary doughnuts with rainbow sprinkles on them. Immediately, Homer dug its face in the box and began to consume the delicious treats.

Jessie's eyes raised with concern. "What's that thing of yours doing? This is a fight, not an all-you-can-eat buffet!"

The youth trainer looked at me and asked, "What does this 'Doughnut Chowdown' move do to your Homer Simpson pokemon?"

Without looking back I answered. "Well, Doughnut Chowdown grants Homer an increase in size and strength, making it a bit of a challenge for its enemies to take it down."

When Homer's box was empty of its contents, it threw the box aside and bang its fists against its chest and hooted stupidly. The move had indeed did as I described to the girl, my pokemon was now stronger.

"Uh oh!" said Jessie.

"'Uh-oh' is right!" said I as I chuckled lightly. "Homer, attack Seviper now!" I ordered again.

Homer Simpson then charged at Seviper at full speed. The poor snake creature never got the chance to either attack or defend itself as Homer impacted the dome of its skull against the poisonious pokemon's gut and sent it flying far back until it slammed into a tree, the sudden jolt of the impact caused apples to rain down from the tree's branches all over. Seviper stood back up, shook off the disorientation it was feeling and waited for its next attack command.

"Seviper, use Poison Tail!" said Jessie.

Seviper hissed and extended and aimed its deadly tail at Homer Simpson. The strike worked as Seviper's tail took a slash at my pokemon's right forearm. Luckily, that didn't do much harm to Homer thanks to Doughnut Chowdown.

"Homer, Intoxication!"

Homer took out a second box, this time it had six with a brown liquid inside. The bottle's label sticker read "Duff Beer". It opened up the bottle's cork lid and went for Seviper. Seviper tried to escape but was caught as Homer grabbed the snake pokemon by the throat(pretty obvious) and began to pour the booze down its throat by force until the bottle emptied out and became useless save for bashing it on Seviper's head.

Jessie grew furious. "Hey, what did you do to my Seviper!"

I told her with satisfaction. "Homer's Intoxication move does what real booze does to people: it gets the victim drunk, really drunk. The effects should get to your Seviper right...about...now!"

And just like that, the Seviper went from ferocious to completely wasted away like some drunken bum on city streets. It slithered around the battleground with an imbalance, it fell over and got back up. It almost looked like it was about to pass out for good.

"Se-*hic!*vi*hic!*per...*hic!*" it said.

"Seviper! Are you okay?" Jessie asked it. The Seviper turned to answer, but due to being drunk, it just let out another hiccup. Meowth and James were stunned by this turn of events, as for the teen, she let out a little laugh. After all, seeing a drunken pokemon was just too damn funny.

I figured it was time to kick things up a notch. "Great work! Now, use Beer Belch and attack with Rageahol!"

"Hoooooomeeeeeerrrrrrrr!" My pokemon inhaled deeply and released a massive, brownish gas cloud from its mouth that stank of alcohol. It smelled so unholy, a few flowers around us died suddenly just from coming in contact with it.

Homer then began to mutate. Its entire body was turning green and upon growing, its shirt, shoes and half of its pants were ripped off. In its new form, Homer screamed with rage and ran toward Seviper as the beer cloud completely surrounded the two. Fighting and coughing sounds were heard from within the cloud. Everybody watched with anticipation.

Soon the cloud started dissolving and when it vanished into thin air, we all witnessed Homer with its hands wrapped around Seviper's neck and was strangling and throttling the poison pokemon in a violent manner. Still wasted from before, Seviper could not defend itself from its powerful, angry enemy.

Having enough, Jessie raised her pokeball and yelled out "Return, Seviper!" The ball emitted a red beam that touched Seviper and it was soon out of the battlefield and back into its ball.

"That was just pure luck!" she shouted. "But let's see how you can handle this next one!" Another pokeball appeared in her hand and she threw it into the field.

My next challenger was a pokemon called a Wobbuffet.

"Oh, no! Be careful with that Wobbuffet! It wiped out two of my pokemon earlier!" the kid warned me. Like the Seviper, I wasn't scared of this big, goofy thing.

James and Meowth laughed at me. "Oh, you're in big trouble now!" they taunted.

I decided that Homer should sit this one out, he earned it. With my pokeball raised, I said the magic words, "Return, Homer Simpson!" and it was back in the ball for Homer.

"I'm in big trouble? Prepare to think otherwise, you fools!" I got out one of my other pokeballs and called out Homer's replacement.

Team rocket and the kid were surprised at my new fighter.

* * *

**So what'd you think? Was that funny or was that (Bleep)ing funny? The story battle won't be long as it will last for up to ten chapters or less. If you thought round 1 made you ache with laughter, wait till you get a taste of round 2!**


	3. Round 2

**In the last round, Jessie's Seviper was defeated at the hands of the protagonist's pokemon, literally. Now she's summoned the pokemon Wobbuffet to fill in. That Wobbuffet of hers is SO dead meat!**

**In case you're a bit confused, this is a small crossover because the protagonist uses characters from other pieces of fiction as "pokemon".  
**

**Round 2, FIGHT!**

**

* * *

**

Brights light flashed yada,yada,yada, and out came Homer Simpson's replacement. It was green, kind of like how Homer Simpson was when it entered its Rageahol mode but this green was in fact, a costume. Some yellow striping was decorated on the suit. Its head and face were covered by a mask except for its eyes and mouth which were shown. It wore yellow gloves and boots and was armed with two black baton clubs on its back.

Again the victimized kid pulled out her pokedex and aimed it at the new pokemon.

"Kick-Ass, the superhero pokemon. Back in high school, Kick-Ass was a comic book loser with no social life before it donned the suit and vowed to combat crime. This pokemon has metal plating in its skull and malfunctioning nerve endings near its stomach area, both received from a failed first attempt at defeating a group of young muggers and car thieves. Kick-Ass's attacks are the Double Baton Swing, Taser Attack, Pepper Spray, and Jetpack Assault."

My pokemon did some quick kung-fu stunts and punched its fist into its palm twice, yeah it was ready to lay the smackdown alright.

Wobbuffet and Kick-Ass stood and stared at one another, both of them eager for the other to make a move first.

Finally Jessie said aloud, "Wobbuffet, use Tackle!"

"Wobba!" the pokemon cried out and made a fast run at my pokemon but it just stepped aside and stuck its foot out, tripping Wobbuffet. It got a red mark on its face from the fall.

"Kick-Ass," I said. "Use Taser Attack now!"

Kick-Ass took out a small taser weapon, aimed it at Wobbuffet and pushed a small red button on the handle. Two wired probes were shot out from the device and attached themselves to Wobbuffet tail and the shocking results, and I meant that quite literally, were 20,000 volts of hot-as-hell electricity!

Wobbuffet screamed in extreme pain as the high voltage burned its body and when it stopped, smoke was visible all over it.

"Shocking!" I said and laughed at my own joke. Jessie was horrified by this.

"Wobbuffet, can you still fight?"

The blue pokemon, although still stunned from the move, gave a positive salute to its master.

"Good, now use-" But before she could finish her command, I already beat her to it.

"Use Double Baton Swing and Pepper Spray!"

"Kick-Ass!" said my pokemon and withdrew the twin baton sticks from its back holsters and charged at Wobbuffet and proceeded to smack the living crap out of the unlucky pokemon.

"Wobba! Wob! Buffet! Ffet!" it cried out from every blow Kick-Ass delivered. Man, did those baton weapons hurt like freakin' hell!

"Counter, now!" Jessie cried. But Wobbuffet was being too bruised and beaten to achieve its attack, plus Kick-Ass's batons cracked loud enough it couldn't hear its master's commands.

Her comrades and the kid trainer both spectated the brawl with awe, by which I meant them in horror and shock and her with glee and amazement.

Finally Kick-Ass ceased his beating on the Wobbuffet and it was laying on the ground battered, bruised and a little bit of bleeding was visible on its mouth. It also had a black eye, that is, if it even had eyes. Those "eyes" of Wobbuffet's looked more like moving scribbles to me. How did it see things anyway?

As always, this round had to end sometime so I said to my pokemon, "Now Kick-Ass! Use Jetpack Assault!"

Kick-Ass suddenly brought out a large backpack-like item and strapped it on to itself. One press of a button on the thing's handles and the pack shot out exhaust flames from its upper pipes. The next thing we all knew, Kick-Ass was slowly levitating off the grassy ground and was now hovering in the air. If my spectators thought that was amazing, they have not seen anything yet, the flying part was just the beginning for that jetpack Kick-Ass wore had more than just flight.

A mechanical whirring stirred from the contraption and just like that, a pair of attached chainguns popped out on each of the machine's shoulder mounts. They had green laser sights and soon the weapons were locked onto Wobbuffet and ready to engage.

"Wobba?" said the Wobbuffet as it stared at its foe with great confusion.

The gun barrels hummed and began to slowly rotate.

Everyone knew what was going to happen. Jessie's jaw dropped open and her eyes widened.

"Wobbuffet, use Counter!" she barked. Her pokemon was starting to glow a dark blue color.

"Wait!" said James. "If you use Counter, Kick-Ass's move will not only deflect off Wobbuffet, but it will ricochet everywhere and strike us all down!"

Jessie hadn't thought about that, Wobbuffet would be safe from all harm but they wouldn't.

She decided to change tactics. "Wobbuffet, RUN!"

The blue pokemon canceled Counter and started to run with a quick pace.

The jetpack gun barrels then spun rapidly and spat out endless machine gun rounds all over the running Wobbuffet.

"Wobba-wob!" it screamed as it dashed around in circles like a chicken with no head. It was in great panic as it tried to avoid being shot.

The kid covered her ears because the attack was deafening.

Then one bullet wounded Wobbuffet in the right knee and it went down hard. Soon blood seeped from its leg injury.

Again, Team Rocket gazed on in shock, but Jessie mixed it with anguish due to her losing to me.

I said to my pokemon, "Kick-Ass! Prepare to fire again!"

"Kick!" it responded and geared up for another bullet shower assault. This made Jessie retreat her Wobbuffet.

"Wobbuffet, get back in your pokeball!" said the hag in the red hair and Wobbuffet was out of the picture.

"Give up or you want more?" I taunted.

"Grrrr. . .!" she growled. To her, losing was not an option so you know what she did? She ordered James to step forward and take me on. "Give that lamewad a savage beatdown!" she yelled and went to sit it out and watch. She was such a sore loser, oh brother!

James grabbed a pokeball and tossed out to the field. "Get ready to lose to me!" he said with confidence, but somewhere within him, I sensed some fear. Excellent.

The ball opened and revealed a floating balloon-like pokemon with two heads. It had no limbs and it breathed toxic fumes from its "bodies". The pokemon was a Wheezing. If I wanted to see toxic fumes, I would've visited a tobacco store. To me, this thing was a giant living tobacco product!

I returned Kick-Ass and sent out another to do my bidding.

* * *

**Well, now it seems Jessie can't handle anymore of the hero's awesomeness and is now reinforced by James. Now is his turn to get his ass kicked! No pun intended. Who should battle Wheezing next? Take a guess.**


	4. Round 3

**It's the Narrator versus James. As you read from the last round, Jessie has decided to step down and let James take over. Will he lose or will he lose horribly?**

**The next round starts...wait for it...**

**(watch ticks endlessly)**

**...waait fooor iiit...**

**(ticking resumes)**

**Okay, now! (Bell dings twice)**

**ROUND 3...FIGHT!**

**

* * *

**

The Weezing puffed out loads of black, poison smoke from the pores on its body. This ugly-ass thing looked more like a drug pokemon to me. Now I know why my folks refused to let me adopt a Koffing or Wheezing back when I was a child.

"So you have a puffy, two-headed floating druggie to fight me, big flippin' whoop! Try my next pokemon for size ding-dong."

My "druggie" comment made them a bit mad.

"Aww, did I stwike a nerve and hurt your feewings?" I mocked.

I threw my pokeball and released my pokemon. It looked like a humanoid cyborg with square, mechanical eyes, a door with a handle on its stomach, pipes for arms and legs, digital teeth, and it had a tiny antenna on top of its head. On its door was an engraved message that read "Bite my shiny metal ass!" In its mouth, a lit cigar was shown.

The kid's pokedex explained its data.

"Bender, the robot pokemon. It was built in Tijuana, Mexico, but was raised in New New York in the 30th century A.D. and was programmed to bend girders for a robot oil company. Bender is reluctant on alcoholic beverages to keep its body fully operational and enjoys smoking cigars, gambling, consorting with hooker robots, and trash-talking humans except for one. Bender's attacks are Flame-Belch, Hover, Door Smash, and Cranium Toss."

Without further adieu, round three commenced.

"Bender, Cranium Toss!"

Bender spit out its cigar and disposed of it by stepping on it with its foot. It gripped its own head, popped it off like a soda bottle lid and threw it.

"Weezing, dodge that head!" James said.

"Weezing, Weez!" it said and floated aside and Bender's head whizzed right past the poison pokemon.

"Ha! Ya missed!" Meowth bragged.

"My Bender wasn't aiming for Weezing, dumbo!" I replied. They looked around and saw the robot pokemon's head heading straight for them like a boomerang.

"It's coming right for us!" Jessie screamed and braced for impact as Bender's head hit all three of them in the back of their skulls.

I just had to laugh at that.

"Hey! You can't do that!" they shouted while rubbing their bumps that now formed as a result from the "head-butt".

I countered, "You can't jack other people's pokemon either and yet you still did." The trainer laughed as well. Bender's detachable head re-attached itself to its body. "Der! Bender!" it said and rotated its head 360 degrees to get a good feel and flexed proudly.

James suddenly got out an ice pack and placed it on his injury. "Weezing, use Sludge Attack on that walking tin-can!" he ordered.

The heads of Weezing inhaled and together, spit out a black substance from their mouths and it tagged Bender in the eyes.

Was I bothered by this? Heck, no!

"Your stupid Bender's blind as a Zubat! Not so tough now, are ya?" James taunted.

I grinned mischievously and my enemy got curious. "What are you smiling about?"

"That Sludge Attack is blinding. . .if the victim's eyes are permanently attached to its head! Bender, replace your eyes."

Bender's eyes made a whirring noise and out they slid. Soon, two replacements formed in the sockets and my pokemon was good as new.

"You were saying, Jimmy?" I said.

James grew mad at the name I addressed him by. "'Jimmy'? Why you little. . .! Weezing, Tackle!"

The Weezing hovered back a little and charged at Bender.

I performed a mock yawn and carried out my next move.

"Bender, catch that thing and smash its faces in with Door Smash!"

The cyborg creature caught Weezing right before it can make a direct hit, opened its stomach door, placed the poison critter between the door and started slamming it repeatedly.

"Wee-! Zing! Weez-!" it cried in pain from every blow.

Team Rocket just looked on in agony. First that kid with the Pikachu whom they've stalked since day one and now this, today was just not their day. This was Team Rocket's bad day.

"Stop that, now! Give me back my pokemon!" James said angrily.

After ten hits, I agreed. "Okey-dokey! Bender, you heard the man."

Bender ceased its move, picked up Weezing and, with tremendous, winding force, tossed James's pokemon combatant right back at him. Weezing struck James in the face and knocked him over along with itself.

I said to the teen, "Well, they asked for it". We both chuckled at my joke.

James growled with annoyance. "That's the last straw! Now, use Poison Gas and cover that mechanical freak of nature!"

His pokemon then released a giant cloud of black smoke from its own body and proceeded to engulf the battlefield with it.

Again, I showed no fear and said aloud, "Use Hover and then Flame-Belch!"

Bender transformed its entire body into a UFO-like form and took to the skies. Next it whipped out a bottle of robot beer from its containment unit and drank it till it was empty, similar to Homer Simpson's Intoxication attack earlier.

"Uh, you might want to stand back for this, kid." I warned her and she and I covered our heads with our hands.

Weezing stared in confusion as its enemy's eyes glowed red. A mechanical rumbling emerged from its stomach. Then it threw its head back and unleashed a massive, gross belch. While still burping, Bender held out its lighter and placed the flame tip near the beer gas and it sparked a streaming, fire streak that aimed for Weezing and because it was still releasing its poisonous cloud, the flame met with the cloud's chemicals and . . .

BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM! The results were literally explosive!

The explosion rocked the field like a hurricane. The trainer and I took cover behind my jeep while our enemies were not so lucky as the fire cloud incinerated all of them.

The effect only lasted for about a couple of minutes, when it cleared and we poked our heads out for a better look, I stared in glee while my ally stared with her eyes and jaw agape.

Coughing(and I don't mean the pokemon)could be heard. When the smoke cloud cleared, things were a complete mess for them. Besides Weezing being KO'ed, their clothes were stained with ash and soot. The really funny part? Their hair, all of it, was now gone! The blast completely burned off every single ounce of hair on their heads and now they were bald! Meowth especially, his fur was vaporized and he now stood with pink flesh everywhere! What a riot!

The youth trainer and I pointed and laughed hard. The criminals didn't get the picture until they looked at each other and freaked out. Speaking of that, something brilliant sparked within my mind.

I raced to my jeep to dig in my bag and pulled out a digital camera. I raised it at the trio and took lots of snapshots of their current appearance.

All they could do was try to conceal their baldness, useless.

"You wrecked my beautiful hair! Now you're gonna pay dearly for this!" Jessie threatened.

"'Beautiful'? Not even in your dreams, Baldilocks!" I laughed again, this time tears emerged from my eyes and my hands clutched my sides from laughing too hard. The girl leaned over my jeep's engine to steady herself as she too cherished the moment, slamming her right fist on the surface a few times.

"Stop . . . laughing . . . at me!" she bellowed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, what did you say. . .Baldilocks?" More laughter spewed from us. Oh, man, they were killing me! Even James and Meowth couldn't help but let out a few giggles, this made Jessie turn to them with a venomous glare.

"Shut your traps!" she screamed. They became silent.

"Too late, you already are!" I said with a few chuckles in my speech.

With Weezing unable to battle, James called it back and growled softly in anger.

"Try this on for size!" he stated and hurled my next challenger into battle.

* * *

**Things are about to get kinda ugly here, folks! Who shall triumph? How will it end? What diabolical war tactics does the protagonist have in mind for Team Rocket? The fourth round is coming up.**

**Two things by the way, 1: the name and gender of the story's protagonist is never mentioned. However you see him/her is up to you, and 2: I had to withdraw this chapter to rewrite it as some parts of it didn't seem pleasing to me. **

**Another thing, this will be my first, and last, full length, comedy story I'll be writing under my current codename. Why? Because I wish for my account to be known for action and/or horror stories only. The reason one of my other stories had comedy bits in it was because I was new to the world of fiction writing around the time it was written and submitted on this website which was July 2007, back then I had no idea about the rules of writing and the importance of "pseudonym names" and how folks recognized the writer's fiction nature by their names.  
**

**Let the games begin . . .  
**


	5. Round 4

**Like Jessie, James is getting what he always gets, a good ol' unhealthy beat-down. Who will he face next? Let's find out, shall we?**

**ROUND 4 . . .BEGIN!**

* * *

James' next contestant was a walking salad known as Carnivine. The second this pokemon was released, you know what it did? It turned around and went all affectionate on its master. That, or it was trying to rape him. Either way, James looked displeased from the behavior of his own pokemon.

"Carnivine! Get off me and focus on that punk right there!" he said and pointed at me. The Carnivine obeyed, latched off of James and stared at me with its big ol' eyes.

"C'mon James! Take this smart-alec down!" Meowth jeered.

"What do you think I'm trying to do!" James said irritatingly.

"Gee, I don't know, lose?" the kid hollered, her face was a little sore and beet-red from all the laughter she let out a minute ago.

"Zip it, Princess Loser!" James said. She countered by sticking her tongue at James.

"Oh, you little . . .!"

I then threw out another one of my pokemon to fight Carnivine. This one had blue overalls with gold colored buttons, a red shirt underneath, white gloves, brown shoes, a thick black mustache, and a red cap with a red and white "M" symbol on it.

The kid's pokedex said:

"Mario, the plumber pokemon. This pokemon hails from, and defends, a land called Mushroom Kingdom which is home to its lover, Princess Peach. It enjoys Italian foods like ravioli, pasta, spaghetti and pizza. Most of its attacks come from the powers of special suits which, when worn, allow Mario to adapt to the suit's abilities. One move it can perform with or without its suits is the Mushroom Growth. Eating one of its special mushrooms can increase its size to that of a mansion."

"Mario! Change into your Firesuit!" I said.

Mario grabbed a flower with an orange glow on it and absorbed its powers. Within five seconds, my chubby pokemon's uniform was changed into a white and orange version of its original clothing.

"Carnivine, attack with Bullet Seed!" James ordered the salad thing. Carnivine lurched back and fired its projectile attack toward Mario. Mario evaded the Bullet Seed, only taking a couple hits, and awaited my orders.

"Mario, attack!"

"Mario! Mar!" Mario balled its right hand into a fist and reared it back, when it extended said fist, a fireball shot out from it and followed Carnivine.

Because fire was one of its weaknesses, Carnivine shrieked in terror and ran around in circles after Mario unleashed more fireballs into play.

One of the balls struck the plant pokemon in the rear and it was caught on fire, making Carnivine scream even more. This was too funny.

"Carnivine!" James cried out. "Put that fire out and fight back with Vine Whip!"

Carnivine performed the old Stop-Drop-And-Roll technique to extinguish the flames and launched out several vine appendages from its own two, leafy hands. The vines latched onto Mario and lifted it high above.

Team Rocket cheered while I said nothing like a goth and the girl trainer, for once, didn't show fear. Why? Because throughout the battle, she has seen me always coming up with a trick or two up my sleeve, and I wasn't even wearing sleeves.

"You have a back-up plan for this, don't you?" she asked me.

I nodded. "Watch this. Mario, use Metal Cap!"

When Mario heard my battle order, the cap on its head suddenly glowed and afterward it changed into a silver version of said cap. This effected Mario's entire body and completely morphed the pokemon into a cyborg-like state.

Not only that, but its body weight increased rapidly, it now weighed as much as a ton! This made Carnivine suddenly drop its opponent and retracted its now sore and strained vines.

The girl asked, "What happened to your pokemon?"

I simply answered. "I guess you could say Mario just had an 'extreme makeover'!" I chuckled from that.

"Carnivine, use Vine Whip again!" said James. The plant pokemon tried but its vines didn't feel like moving and they just flopped down. It turned to its master and said something with a shake of its head.

"Meowth, what did Carnivine say?" Jessie and James asked their cat partner-in-crime.

"Carnivine says 'I can't, my vine limbs are too sore and weakened from holding onto that metal freak! They feel like rubber, now!'"

"Oh, that's just peachy!" James said sarcastically and slapped his palm over his face.

"Yo, Captain Loser! Are you gonna battle or just stand there and mumble!" I shouted, cupping my hands around my mouth as I said it.

James turned around, anger written all over his face. "Shut your piehole! Carnivine, use Razor Leaf!"

Carnivine screeched and shot out dozens of sharp-edged leaves at the metal Mario. Jeez-Louise, how stupid was this bozo? What part of "metal cap" did he not understand?

"What part of 'metal cap' do you not understand, dingus?" I said to him my exact thought. Despite being enemies to me and the girl, Meowth and Jessie agreed with my statement and collapsed anime cartoon style from complete embarrassment from their stupid comrade.

"James, you idiot!" Jessie whispered to herself.

The Razor Leaf attack did nothing to hurt or injure Mario, all they did was clink and scrap against its armored body and littered themselves everywhere. What a waste of a move and my time.

James quickly changed his strategy. "Okay, then use Sweet Scent!"

Carnivine expelled an large amount of its natural scent gas that hovered to Mario and surrounded it. Mario just looked around puzzled, it had no idea what the point of this move was and turned and shrugged at me.

"Crunch...?"

This attack simply chipped Carnivine's fangs like shards of glass.

"Do something to it!" Again, no progress of hurting Mario while in its metal form was made. Soon, Carnivine grew exhausted, gasped for breath and bent its upper body over, beads of sweat trickled from its head.

"My turn. Mario, just run to Carnivine and pound the crap out of it!" I said.

The pasta-loving pokemon smiled an evil smile, cracked its knuckles, and ran toward its worn-out opponent, clanking with every step it took, and gave the Carnivine one hell of a beating. I assumed that it would probably take almost an entire year to treat these kind of injuries.

The trainer looked on with glee while our enemies just stood and shook their heads in pity.

I treated myself to my water canteen and enjoyed the show. Talk about "Heavy Metal"!

Each punch and kick from Mario gave out a "clank", "clang", and every other sound metal objects made from striking something.

Finally after two to three minutes of hitting, I instructed Mario to stop and it obeyed. When the fight was over, Carnivine was a complete mess! Bruises, swelling, cracked limbs, black eyes and some bleeding were written all over the plant creature. It looked like it no longer wanted to continue fighting and scrambled back to its master.

"Oh, no! You get back out there and kill that thing!" James ordered roughly, but the Carnivine, for once, refused to listen and jumped right back inside its pokeball storage unit, safe from another possible smackdown.

James fumbled with that same pokeball and re-called Carnivine out. Again, it leaped back in the ball. James tried once more and once more, the critter forfeited.

"Forget it, James! That walking salad ain't never coming out to continue. Face it, what's done is done." said Meowth.

"Your pet cat's right, Jimmy!" I told him and he grew insanely mad from being called that distasteful name.

"'Pet cat'?" Meowth objected instantly.

"Don't be so angry at your Carnivine for calling it quits. It's not its fault its master is a slow-witted freak who fights pokemon battles like the sissy girl that he is!" I taunted. What I said didn't offend the kid at all as she laughed at my joke again.

James's face really flushed red with rage. I imagined steam erupting from his ears right now, it was a hoot!

"THAT'S IT! NO MERCY!" he screamed like a bomb explosion and called out all of his pokemon except for Carnivine. His pokemon were, other than Weezing and that now injured Carnivine of his, a Mime Jr, Yamask, and a Victreebell. Like Carnivine, the Victreebell managed to show some "affection" for its master . . .by stuffing the blue-haired loser in its giant mouth whole! If James were a food item, people would vomit upon the first bite.

"Join me, now!" he demanded to his partners and quickly climbed out of Victreebell's mouth, he had some of its saliva on him but he didn't seem to care at all. Meowth hopped in front and center with his claws extended, although he was showing a hint of fear of me and my pokemon, and Jessie released every pokemon she carried. Besides that Wobbuffet and Seviper of hers who was still drunk, her others were a Yanmega and a Woobat.

The robbery victim was somewhat terrified as she hid behind my jeep. I on the other hand had no fear inside or out as usual.

"Alright, a real challenge! Let's rock n' roll, everyone!" I summoned all my pokemon and they popped up next to Mario who was now withdrawing its metal suit and turned back to its normal appearance.

This simple little battle was about to become an all-out battle royale! Plenty of hurt will be going around. I hoped that these bumbling morons have medical insurance because when I'm through with them, they're going to need it BADLY and not just for their pokemon . . .

* * *

**Wow! Looks like there's gonna be an ugly confrontation next! Could the next round mean the final battle, who will pwn who? **


	6. Final Round And Ending

**Hold on to your hats, people! Here comes the big one, the last battle. Will the main hero come out triumphantly and the trainer's pokemon be returned or will Team Rocket try any tricks if they lose? **

* * *

Standing next to Mario were the already seen Homer Simpson, Kick-Ass, Bender, and joining them were a few newcomers. One was a yellow squared creature with holes all over its upper body, big buck teeth hanging from its mouth and it was dressed in pants that resembled a professional looking office suit and tie with small black shoes on its feet. Surrounding its head was a giant fishbowl filled with water as it needed those things to survive out here on land, the first time I caught it, I lured it to shore where it began flopping and gasping for breath until I captured the pokemon. Whenever I send it out on dry land, I always equipped this creature with its own water helmet to avoid suffocating again.

Another was a skinny pokemon with a yellow and scarlet red Hawaiian t-shirt, blue pants and brown boots, this one appeared to be acting in a strange manner as if it were high or aroused by something.

The next pokemon were two beaver-like creatures with teeth similar to the water pokemon, brown and yellow fur, big gray and purple tails and tiny black hands and feet. They chewed on small pieces of wood.

Next was an alien creature with gray skin and a bulbous head with large eyes. Drops of purple gunk spilled from its sides, it looked gross. It just looked around with a bored expression written on its face.

The last in my line-up was a yellow pokemon like my first newcomer, but this one had a disc-shaped head and seven tiny hairs on its scalp, and it had eyes with evil-looking red pupils which made it look like it was a psychopath. It held in its hand a cup of chocolate milk and a bowl of cereal in another. The pokemon stared ahead with a blank expression as if it had no idea what to do.

All of them were immediately scanned by the teen trainer's pokedex.

"SpongeBob Squarepants, the hydro-dynamically designed pokemon. This pokemon hails from an underwater town called Bikini Bottom, works at a fast food burger restaurant called "The Krusty Krab" and is best friends with a starfish named Patrick Star. It enjoys the sport of jellyfishing and it unknowingly irritates a neighbor who plays the clarinet very badly. Due to its soft spongy body, some attacks are ineffective against SpongeBob Squarepants when hit. SpongeBob Squarepants' attacks are Krabby Patty Toss, Annoying Laugh, Spatula Slap, Bubbleblow, Jellyfisher, and Duplicate, which it can duplicate itself into any amount of clones desired."

"Quagmire, the sex predator pokemon. Quagmire is known for its extreme interest in sex acts and will do anything to achieve these types of goals such as drugging the drinks of its opponents and scoring with the mates of its best friends. It despises elderly and ugly people and once had no clue of the existence of internet porn until a friend of Quagmire's explained it. Quagmire's attacks are the Giggity Goo, Muscular Arm and the Man-In-The-Boat."

"Dagget, the immature pokemon. This pokemon has a habit of over-emphasized and manic motions as well as a potent penchant for name-calling and enjoys consuming any product made from wood. The only main arch rival of Dagget is a supervillan named Toebot. Dagget's attacks are Beaver Fever, Bite, Tail Slap, Urine Tsunami and its signature move, the Muscular Beaver, which is also Dagget's superhero alter-ego."

"Norbert, the mature pokemon and the evolved form of Dagget. Norbert tends to act sarcastic and bright in serious situations. It once grew long teeth, consumed parts of a magical, prehistoric log that resulted in reversing its age and had a habit of bed-biting. Its attacks are the same as Dagget's minus Urine Tsunami and, like its pre-evolved form, it too carries a superhero alter-ego move called the Baron Von Beaver."

"Cheese, the imaginative pokemon. Once mistaken for being born from the mind of a boy, Cheese was later proven to come from the mind of a girl. Cheese has a liking to chocolate milk, even though it is allergic to the product and addresses any drink as such, potatoes, cereal, games and candy. Where it comes from, Cheese is known to drive people nuts with its habit of repeating the names of its favorite items to everyone it meets. Cheese's attacks are Chocolate Milk Chug, Piercing Scream, Ringworm, Gingivitis, Scurvy, Dandruff, Athlete's Foot, Tapeworm, Mange, Dermatitis, Acne, Enteritis, Tonsillitis, and Poot."

"Roger Smith, the smart-ass alien pokemon. An extraterrestrial being from outer space, Roger crash landed on Earth in 1947 and was placed in government custody for decades until one day, a CIA agent working there helped bust it out of imprisonment and invited Roger to live with the agent and his family after the pokemon saved his life. Roger's turn-ons include acting like a spoiled brat and a jerk as it is a survival mechanism for its species otherwise it and all like it weaken and die, drinking, gambling, wearing disguises to venture outdoors and an addiction to television and internet surfing. Roger Smith's attacks are Green Slime, Gold Crap, Vodka Bottle Toss, Healer, and a horrific move known as 'MYAAAAAH'."

All of our pokemon were desperate to tear each other limb from limb, the waiting was killing them. Hell, it was killing me, too

One of us yelled, "ATTAAAAAACK!", and like that, one of the biggest fights in pokemon history was a go.

Homer Simpson chomped down on a donut loudly and focused its attention at Seviper who was showing little signs of recovery from the first round.

Kick-Ass pulled out its batons and charged at Wobbuffet. Wobbuffet just screamed and ran around in circles with Kick-Ass in pursuit, swinging its weapons like a madman.

Bender ripped its own arms off, huffed on and shined the limbs by rubbing them around on his chest and popped them back in their sockets. It took out a beer and chugged it down, burping fire when it finished and sighed in satisfaction. Weezing, remembering what happened when they first fought, jumped back from Bender's burp. Then the robot pokemon ran right at the poison creature, giggling evilly.

The newcomers, SpongeBob Squarepants, Quagmire, Dagget and Norbert Beaver, and Cheese all did as ordered and attacked the other pokemon.

Spongebob targeted Jessie's Woobat. Quagmire went after Yanmega, making a little "Heh-heh!" sound.

Norbert battled with James' Victreebell while Dagget decided to fight Yamask.

Cheese went for Mime Jr and Roger Smith took on Meowth, taking lazy steps toward the two. Mime Jr and Meowth had puzzled looks on their faces, but nonetheless, they were ready for combat.

Seviper took a stab at Homer with its tail and all it got was a piece of its shirt torn off, making Homer angry and, like previously, transformed into its green state via Rageahol and picked up Seviper and slammed it on the ground multiple times till dizzy circles replaced its eyes. Homer threw the snake across the battlefield and chased after it.

After so much running around and dodging, Wobbuffet tired itself out and turned to face the tough-as-nails Kick-Ass. It collasped with shortness of breath and received another beating from the humanoid superhero pokemon's baton sticks, next came a quick yet hard kick to the groin which really, really hurt and left Wobbuffet screaming soprano-style.

The robot, Bender, stepped up to a cowering Weezing who was backed against a tree. Weezing looked at its foe with fear in its eyes. Bender leaned forward and yelped, making Weezing cry and run away and Bender laughing evilly again. Weezing desperately didn't want to face another burning. Too bad that wasn't in the playing cards right now as Bender brought its lighter up to its mouth and burped fire again. This time, though, it missed Weezing. Bender then set its arms on fire and ran after Weezing who was now more frightened than ever as the flaming arms made Bender twice as frightening!

Carnivine and Mario clashed again, although Mario was doing all of the fighting since Carnivine was too battered up and did what its other partners were doing: being a coward.

"To all my pokemon," I said out loud. They stopped and looked at me. "Fight your targets in any manner you choose until you emerge victorious!" With that said, half of my pokemon resumed their business with their foes.

Hearing my announcement, Team Rocket commanded their pokemon to do the same and they did. Now we had to just sit back and let the carnage dish out. While they took on the pokemon they already fought with, my focus shifted to my new ones, I wanted to see how well their battle skills were.

First up was SpongeBob Squarepants. SpongeBob made the first move by attacking Woobat with its Bubbleblow move on Woobat by holding a small carton of bubblesoap and dipped a wand inside. When the wand was taken out, SpongeBob inhaled deeply and floated toward the bat pokemon. When the bubbles touched Woobat, they left it shrieking in pain as the bubbles stung like salt in a wound. Next, the sponge pokemon unsheathed a silver spatula and slapped Woobat with it, it most definitely hurt. Woobat fought back using Air Cutter, which ended up slicing SpongeBob in two. Woobat said something in pokemon language, I assumed it was a bragging comment. Its tiny celebration was cut short(and I didn't mean that as a pun)when the split halves of SpongeBob began to wobble eerily. Woobat watched in stunned silence while in flight as the halves reemerged themselves into one again. That's what I enjoyed about this SpongeBob pokemon.

Bewildered, the Woobat tried tackling it, but SpongeBob was ready. It got ready to use its Krabby Patty Toss by holding a stack of delicious-looking meat patties in its open hands and dumped them all inside its own head through its holes, enlarging it. Woobat was too late to halt its attack in time as SpongeBob geared up and expelled the burger patties out of its body like a machine gun and Woobat was hit directly with every single one of them, the patties had proven too much for the bat creature and it involuntarily descended from the air and onto the grassy ground next to Spongebob's feet.

It stared up, afraid of what may happen next. SpongeBob then inhaled deeply, this was starting to scare Woobat. What SpongeBob did next was unexpected to Woobat yet nothing surprising for me: it began to use its Annoying Laugh attack. To human beings, it was nothing but a laugh. But to a pokemon, it made one want to blow its own brains out. Woobat panicked and tried to shut SpongeBob up with a Confusion attack. SpongeBob duplicated itself into three pairs, two of which got effected by the Confusion and hit themselves while the other replicas were unharmed and repeated the Annoying Laugh move with the original. Woobat was in even more mental pain than before, I could tell by the small tears leaking from its eyes. It picked up a nearby rock and smashed itself in the head until it lost consciousness, thus making it unable to fight and leaving SpongeBob Squarepants the victor.

"That was easy as pie." I said to myself. I looked on to watch how Quagmire was holding up.

Quagmire got a crazy look in its eyes and launched itself toward the Yanmega. Normally, Yanmega would just attack on sight, but due to the behavior its new target was expressing, it just looked on in confusion. The Giggity-Goo attack was used by Quagmire as it latched onto Yanmega with one hand before it can fly away and performed such unwanted, and probably illegal, things to it! Yanmega was defenseless and Jessie stared in humiliation, her mouth hanging wide open. James too, was disgusted. I bet they were thinking to themselves, "What kind of pokemon does that?"

Yanmega's protesting shrieks and random wing flaps only made Quagmire want to resume with its. . .act. I was so glad I was not that Yanmega right now! Were it me, I'd probably commit suicide. If this trainer's parents were around to witness this horrendous act, they would cover her eyes.

Finally, Quagmire ceased its Giggity Goo move and released Yanmega, the flying pokemon was breathing heavily with shudders and bawling out of disgust and trauma. My guess was that it would have nightmares about this for the rest of its life, I know I would.

Quagmire's left arm began to change until the entire limb was freaking huge! This was its Muscular Arm technique. With it, the pervert pokemon attacked Yanmega, it did nothing to repel the pain, it was still traumatized.

To wrap things up, Quagmire use its final technique, Man In The Boat. Raising its hands in the air, it said something in pokemon language and all of a sudden, a big-ass motorboat fell from the freakin' sky and landed right in front of Quagmire. Finding the boat's ignition keys inside, Quagmire hopped in the boat's driver seat, started it up, and drove toward its enemy like a maniac!

Seeing the crazed pokemon piloting a motorboat made Yanmega snap to attention and it quickly flew away frightened, its mind was too startled to focus on the liftoff and it hovered only a few inches off the ground. Things took a turn for the worst as Quagmire caught up with Yanmega and surrounded it by driving around in a donut formation, With nowhere else to go, Yanmega tried a final escape attempt to the sky. Quagmire quickly got out a chain and swung it at Yanmega. The metal weapon was fast as it struck down a panicking Yanmega on the head and sent it spiraling back to the field, more hits and slaps came after and Yanmega was down and out, its injuries left it with swelled bumps everywhere and one giant bump on the noggin.

Quagmire chuckled and swung its chain in the air as a sign of victory. Quagmire's celebration was quickly followed by running over the downed pokemon foe many times and chugging down a can of specially-marked Pawtucket Patriot beer, Quagmire's long time favorite drink.

With that over with, my attention shifted to Dagget's part of the rumble.

Dagget nearly got struck from an Energy Ball attack by Yamask and fought back with three lightening-fast Tail Slaps, the thick flesh and muscle of Dagget's tail made the slap hurt worse than a regular slapping. Yamask got a red mark on the right side of its face from the hit. The ghost critter battled back with Will-O-Wisp, some of the fire from this move caught Dagget on its right shoulder and right foot. Dagget screeched, but the burns didn't slow it down.

The next attack that came from Dagget was its Bite. It jumped around a little bit and lunged at the Yamask. Unfortunately, Yamask countered by expelling strong winds from its body, this was known as Ominous Wind. My beaver pokemon was sent hurling back and crashed on the grassy ground. Man, that Ominous Wind was a toughie!

Yamask floated over to Dagget who was now laying unconscious, it wanted to examine whether Dagget was knocked out for sure or was simply faking it. It inched closer, and got ready to strike the downed fighter. . .but then Dagget's right arm surprisingly shot up and wrapped its hand around the throat of its enemy. Its eyes popped open and it sat up like a newly reanimated zombie. What a cunning deceiver Dagget was, just like I taught it. I can't believe that stupid Yamask pokemon fell for it.

For one tiny hand, it was sure choking the crap outta that Yamask. It futilely struggled to escape the beaver's grasp, the choking was merely a start for us all, things were about to get even worse for Yamask as Dagget's entire body began to change shape. The trainer, myself, and the crooks on the other side of the battlefield watched in awe as Dagget went through, and completed, its metamorphosis and soon, we all stared at what is now its signature move/superhero alter-ego, MUSCULAR BEAVER!

Yamask gulped in nervousness.

"Now, things are gonna get more interesting!" I assured the kid, she said nothing back.

Dag-I mean, Muscular Beaver, uttered a normal growl. Then it roared, spraying small saliva drops on Yamask's scared face, it was about to see what this new pokemon form was fully capable of.

Muscular Beaver made its move by headbutting the ghost pokemon eight times, leaving Yamask dizzy and disoriented. Yamask was then slammed many times until it was released from Muscular Beaver's mighty grip. Without giving it a chance to recover, the buff, superhero pokemon then proceeded to unzip its pants and expel an insanely, monsterous flood of yellow liquid in the form of a tidal wave, it seriously reeked of you-don't wanna-know and it totally engulfed and overpowered the Yamask in a flash. What we all just witnessed was Dagget/Muscular Beaver's Urine Tsunami! Muscular Beaver then sighed in relief and reformed itself back into its Dagget form and simply walked away, leaving its ghost opponent to lay throughout the field on the Urine Tsunami remains. It would take, my guess was, a decade or two to rinse all traces of the piss away. Poor Yamask, James now had to carry around a stinky, pokemon for as long as it was attached to him, not that I had any sympathy toward him, he totally sucks.

Victreebell lashed at Norbert with its Vine Whip and got a couple of hits. For a pokemon who traveled around with a lousy criminal, that Victreebell sure can pack a punch, or vine, whatever. When Norbert finally managed to stop the plant pokemon's Vine Whip, it proceeded to use Beaver Fever. A big disco ball lowered down above both contestants and Norbert quickly changed into a disco uniform and danced and sang to the music. Victreebell clamped its leafy hands over its ears to drown out the song. When heard, the tune caused mental and physical pain, Jessie and James began feeling aches and cramps all over their bodies, they sure felt like crap. The sweet, sweet sound of their pain relaxed me. It was like music to my ears.

"It . . .BUUURNS!" they screamed.

"It hurts, doesn't it you jerks?" said her.

After the song assault concluded, Norbert then transformed into its alter-ego like Dagget did. Presenting BARON VON BEAVER!

Unlike Yamask, Victreebell had no look of fear on it, instead it launched its Leech Seed at Norbert a.k.a. Baron Von Beaver and the move was successful as it turned into a net and wrapped around Baron Von Beaver, constricting it from head to toe. The Leech Seed went to work by draining the superhero pokemon's energy. But wait. What's this? Baron Von Beaver was resisting, in fact, it was more than that. It inhaled a giant gulp of air, puffed out its huge chest and snapped the netting with ease.

Victreebell was surprised at how this unfolded and it was now scared as hell, even more so when the giant buff beaver began stomping its way toward the flower-like pokemon, every step it made made the ground beneath it quake. Victreebell tried to slow this wood-chomping behemoth by using every attack it can think of, its Solarbeam, Magical Leaf, Seed Bomb, Sludge Bomb, and Bullet Seed, they all failed to stop the raging Baron Von Beaver as it shrugged and deflected them all off. Thinking fast, Victreebell tried its Double Team move to try to throw the beaver pokemon off. The Victreebel clones surrounded Baron Von Beaver in a flash. Would it be able to detect out the real Victreebell and win the fight? Baron Von Beaver had to carefully think things through, if it attacked the wrong copy, it would be left open for another attack, not that it mattered since it managed to block away its opponent's attacks just a few seconds ago.

All that screeching from the monstrous vegetable was giving the kid and I a splitting headache. To combat this, I cranked up the volume of the music in my stereo even louder. That's better.

As for my pokemon, it looked this way and that way, trying to pinpoint Victreebell's true signature.

A slap came from one of the copies and got the super-powered beaver in the face. The only good thing was that it finally revealed Victreebell's position, big mistake, ugly.

When Victreebell lashed its vines out again, that's when Baron Von Beaver wrapped its hand around the green appendage and yanked it hard, the sudden pull made the bulbous plant screech and was brought out into the open and the clones from its Double Team move ceased and faded into nothingness. With the Victreebell caught, the whooping came like a nuclear bomb. Pretty soon, Victreebell was bleeding and sore just like Carnivine. I had to admit, Victreebell had guts to fight Norbert in his super form, too bad it failed.

To finish things up, Baron Von Beaver threw down Victreebell and performed an extremely, painful elbow drop on its side, making the plant squeal like a girl.

Now as for my pokemon Cheese, it and James' Mime Jr looked each other in the eye with dimwitted looks on their faces, mostly Cheese. Then Cheese broke the silence by taking out a large cup of chocolate milk and drank it. When it finished, its eyeballs widened and its face suddenly turned green like it was about to vomit! This became reality as Cheese gurgled and groaned and suddenly regurgitated the beverage in gross chunks that completely engulfed Mime Jr. Mime Jr groaned in disgust and vomited back. I laughed at this and James frowned.

When Mime Jr was done puking, it fought Cheese with its Double Slap and Psybeam attacks. Cheese fell on its back and let out a really, really loud scream. This, my friends, was Cheese's Piercing Scream.

The high volume of Cheese's vocals were so unbearable that Mime Jr shielded its ears and shut its eyes in pain. Of course, Mime Jr wasn't the only one affected by the Piercing Scream. All of the other pokemon doing battle heard this, both Team Rocket's and mine, and did what Mime Jr was doing. Hell, even the crooks, the girl trainer and I did it too, but lucky for me I came prepared as I withdrew two pairs of earplugs and crammed two of them in my ears. I loaned her the remaining ones and she put them in place as well. We were completely deaf for the moment.

"For Pete's sake, somebody shut that walking alarm clock up!" Jessie shouted, her hands still over her ears.

I used this opportunity to make a large sign and wrote "Return the stolen goods then and I'll make Cheese silence its screaming." on it and presented my demand to them. They refused and for that, I allowed the screaming to press onward.

Having enough and without thinking clearly, Mime Jr ended up using Mimic by mistake and soon it was using Cheese's move, the torture had now doubled for all and Mime Jr couldn't stop. Realizing its error, Mime Jr shed some tears from its physical and psychological torture from this move. The scream went on for almost five minutes and that's when I felt pity for it. No matter what kind of trouble its master had committed, Mime Jr didn't deserve this sort of punishment. Besides if I wanted to win, I never wanted to win like this, not like this!

With all the strength in my vocal cords, I gave out the order for Cheese to quit screaming and just like that, the yellow pokemon listened and was screaming no more, allowing Mime Jr to stop, too.

Relived, the pokemon resumed their fighting, but Mime Jr didn't. After what just happened, it didn't have the willpower to rejoin the brawl. All it did was sit there without moving a muscle. Did Cheese go too far with the Piercing Scream attack?

Cheese slowly walked to Mime Jr, a blank look on its goofy face. Mime Jr looked up at the towering pokemon with an upsetting expression and wondered why Cheese was so close to it like that. Cheese lent a hand to Mime Jr in a sign of respect and, hesitating for a bit, Mime Jr took it.

But as soon as it got up, Cheese knocked Mime Jr back down with both hands and stared it down with an evil smile and stare, scaring Mime Jr. What scheming plan did Cheese have in mind for its opponent? Well, to top things off, Cheese unleashed its most deadly weapon, something more terrifying than Piercing Scream. . .its health problems starting with Dandruff!

Cheese wildly scratched at its scalp and hundreds of white flakes rained everywhere. Mime Jr was blanketed by the stuff in a matter of seconds. I giggled because Mime Jr now looked like a dandruff snowman! Freaking hilarious! I slapped my thigh in joy.

When I win this match, I was thinking about writing a giant "I suck!" message on Team Rocket's foreheads. They'll never live it down!

Anyway, Mine Jr brushed off the flakes and tried to hurt Cheese, but was thwarted when Cheese use its next move, Gingivitis! It pulled Mime Jr in front of its own face and burped its rancid breath on the clown pokemon's face. Mime Jr immediately stepped backward and, like previously, vomited, only harder this time! Sheesh, what kind of diet did its "trainer" put it on?

Mime Jr recovered and used a skill called Shadow Ball on Cheese. The dark, energetic sphere slammed into Cheese. Amazingly, the pokemon acted like it felt nothing as it scratched its behind like a dimwit(James). For that, Cheese countered with Athlete's Foot by raising one of its feet and hopping toward the Mime Jr menacingly. Fearing another vomiting episode, Mime Jr tried to run away and avoid this stinky move. Cheese pursued the cowardly foe with hopping and psychotic laughter, even I was taken back at this, but I enjoyed it.

"Mime Jr, run for your life!" James hollered. If it were me, I'd change course and target the blue-haired bigmouth instead. I would've loved to see the look on his face running away like a wuss and screaming for mommy. What a hoot!

Mime Jr tried and tried, but it just couldn't shake off the crazy pokemon and that diseased foot it carried and soon, Mime Jr was head-to-head(or should I say, "foot-to-foot"?) with the dreaded Athlete's Foot. What a bad day to be a pokemon battling one like Cheese. . .

The torture ended and Mime Jr coughed violently since it ran out of space in its stomach for puking from its enemy's grossly attacks. But wait, there was more! Next came Ringworm. Cheese trotted over to Mime Jr, who was coughing, raised its hands and smeared its palms all over its foe. Mime Jr deliberately backed up from the touch and noticed the creepy, red circles on Cheese's palms. Suddenly it started feeling something. Something that was starting to grow itchy. The clown pokemon looked itself all over and squealed when it discovered the same markings on its enemy's hands appearing all over its body. The feeling those markings were bringing onto Mime Jr began to make the pokemon scratch itself like a bat outta hell. This move kinda reminded me of the skin disease, chickenpox.

Cheese took a carrot out, raised it in the air like a knife and laughed a wicked, psycho laugh. I'm guessing it imagined itself as a maniacal serial killer. The itching was driving Mime Jr crazy, it scratched and scratched until the itching was gone. All that scratching left red scratch marks everywhere. No amount of anti-itch cream would relieve that. Mime Jr hurt Cheese with Telekinesis, Psyshock and another Shadow Ball. This time, these attacks really hurt Cheese and it soon went from "plain old crazy" to "really, really psychotic". Cheese spit on its hands, rubbed them together, and charged at its target head on.

The first thing Cheese did while in its new behavior was reach out and grab Mime Jr's lower jaw to force it open, raise its saliva-covered right hand, and forced it down the enemy pokemon's throat hard. Mime Jr gagged and gasped for breath and struggled to free itself from this disgusting move which it did in seven seconds. Mime Jr wanted to attack my pokemon again, but suddenly stopped. There was a blank, wide eyed expression on the critter's face. A twitch in its left eye and one of its hands shot up and wrapped around its own throat. Its index finger rubbed against its throat, then more fingers joined in. Soon they began to scratch at flesh of its neck, kinda like back with the Ringworm.

"What's going on, now?" asked the kid.

Without looking at her, I gave my explanation to her. "Kid, that is Cheese's Tonsillitis attack. By spitting on its own hands, Cheese infects them with the throat illness and spreads it to a healthy opponent by forcing the infected hands down one's esophagus until the tonsils come in contact with the germs and carry the infection. Mime Jr is now a carrier and can do nothing about it until this fight is over."

She made a disgusted shudder. I felt the same. Well, even though Cheese is my pokemon and seen this move performed several times during my career, it still grossed me out. Was there nothing creepy and disgusting this imaginative-type pokemon of mine won't do? Yeah, right! Cheese had an arsenal of freaky moves just waiting to be used!

"Mime Jr!" bellowed James, just seeing what was happening to his pokemon was starting to crack at his psyche. If that were a crime, then I was guilty as charged.

Cheese prepared to use its Poot attack, but the Mime Jr fell limp to the ground as if it had just died. Cheese halted and looked at its foe, it seemed Mime Jr was no longer able to fight due to all the illnesses it sustained, it was too damn much for the little guy or girl, whatever. The point was Cheese was and Mime Jr lost, boo-frickin'-hoo!

Up next was Meowth vs Roger Smith. The space pokemon pointed its finger at him like a threat.

"Ya wanna fight? Let's go!" said Meowth and he extended his claws and used his Fury Swipes attack on Roger Smith. Meowth struck the extraterrestrial pokemon with five slashes, three to the face and two to the chest. The wounds began to bleed purple blood. When Meowth finished, he felt exhausted, yet smiled as he was satisfied with himself for hurting Roger Smith.

He was dead wrong.

Roger looked at its chest and placed its left hand over its scratched face and wiped off a smear of its own blood and stared at it like it was nothing, then it looked up at Meowth with a blank expression it its eyes, leaving Meowth confused. "Well, are ya gonna fight back or stand there and take it like a wuss?" he asked my pokemon.

Roger Smith said nothing and slowly reached back and placed its right hand under its own ass cheeks in a cup shape. A quick, strain and within seconds, a small pile of golden crap plopped into its hand. It reared its arm back and threw the golden piece of crap at Meowth, he had no time to block the smelly, incoming projectile as the waste product splattered all over the cat's face like a pie. The results were blindness, running, screaming and violent vomiting.

"YAAHHH! Get it out! Get it out!" he screamed and barfed. The teen trainer found this gross but she gave in to laughing anyways.

"Eww, gross! Some of it landed in your mouth!" I teased Meowth. Well, I thought I was joking about it at first, but then I saw that he really did have gold crap leaking from his mouth, I laughed anyway. Again, he threw up. This was, by far, the worst pokemon battle he ever endured. Team Rocket were sure glad they didn't have to suffer what Meowth was suffering.

"You. . .are. . .one. . .disgusting pokemon, you know that?" said Meowth after recovering from his puking party. Roger ignored the comment and continued with its next attack: the Green Slime. How did this work? Let me break it down. Roger Smith clenched its hands into fists, grunted and groaned as if it were either taking a huge dump or going into labor, and eventually green goo began to emerge from its sides. The alien scooped up a handful and took out an empty bottle of vodka and dumped its own bodily fluid inside.

Meowth just finished wiping his jaws clean from the vomit and when he resumed his battling duties, he became the target of more body gunk when Roger chucked the bottle like a baseball pitcher and made a direct hit onto Meowth's face and, you guessed it, the barfing was back! Ho-yeah!

When he stopped again, he said with a strained voice.

"Jessie . . . James! I've . . . can't take much more of this! Please . . . just fork over the pokeballs and let's vamoose!"

Jessie and James couldn't believe what they were hearing: their own furry comrade was begging to surrender. To them, this was unacceptable.

"Absolutely not! We're Team Rocket and we never surrender to anybody 100 percent!" they said with foolish pride. Morons.

I stepped up and said to Meowth, "All your other buddies have been defeated, furball! You quit now and that means you forfeit the entire battle for your team."

Meowth waved his paw at me and said. "Yeah yeah, whatever! I surrender the fight, just keep your sick poke-freaks away from me!" He clutched his stomach in pain from all that vomiting and limped back to his teammates. The beaten enemy pokemon did the same and returned themselves to their pokeballs. No way would they continue fighting.

"Alright! We won!" the kid cheered and pumped a fist in the air in joy.

"Victory is mine, so according to our agreement, you must now hand over the stolen pokeballs." I said to the criminal trio. Did they play their part of the deal? Of course not.

"Like hell we will!" they rebelled. "We had our fingers crossed when we 'agreed' to your stupid terms! These pokemon are coming with us anyway!"

The smiling joy on the young trainer's face was demoted to anger. "Hey! No fair, you cheaters! Gimmie my pokemon back right now!" she demanded.

"Make us, brat!" they said back and gave her and I their goofy, googly eyes.

She wanted to scream again, but I stopped her. "Very well. You guys asked for this." I headed over to my Jeep's radio and shut off the battle music as I needed no music whatsoever for my plan to succeed.

"Roger, if you will!" I said to my alien pokemon. To prepare for this, I called back all of my pokemon, leaving Roger the only remaining one left. Team Rocket gulped hard out of nervousness.

It cracked its finger knuckles, which by the way, didn't exactly sound like when a human does it, inhaled deeply and unleashed its most terrifying and deadly power: it produced a very, very, very annoying sound as loud as it could. That's right, this was Roger Smith's signature attack, the "MIIIAAAHHHHH!"

As I did before, I gave the kid earplugs to block out the noise. Team Rocket was not so lucky, the sound repeated non-stop and already it was driving them crazy!

"Not another annoying noise!" they screamed and, like with SpongeBob's Annoying Laugh, they tried everything they could to drown out the effect but nothing worked.

I told them over the sound. "Are you gonna hand over the pokeballs, now?"

"NEVER!" they responded.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Your choice."

I got out a medium-sized amplifier and a microphone and gave them to Roger. It connected them together and, thanks to the amp's battery system, there was no need to plug the thing in anywhere and it shrieked its wails into the microphone, now the psychological attack was ten times louder and heavier than previously.

Team Rocket suffered greatly from the torture, even more than from the Annoying Laugh from before. It was only a matter of time till they had enough and submitted.

Finally, they gave up. "Okay, okay! Take your stupid pokeballs and quit making that noise! It's killing us here!" James grabbed the bag from the top handle and strongly tossed it to us. The trainer had finally gotten her pokemon back.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" she said over and over again. I ordered Roger to stop its wail and returned it back into its ball. Team Rocket let their arms drop from their ears and collapsed from exhaustion.

I clapped my hands like they were filthy and said "Well, my work here is done. Nice meeting you, uh. . .?"

She told me her name.

"Right. Bye now. Enjoy your adventures." I hopped(literally) into my vehicle and started it up.

Then something extraordinary and hilarious popped into my mind, it was something I wanted to make my exit with.

I revved my engine wildly and Team Rocket cocked their heads up from the ground in suspicion and looked at me with confusion.

"ROOOM-ROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!" said my Jeep.

"Oh, crap!" said their horrified expressions. They knew what I had in store for them and they quickly stood up and ran off far into the distance, screaming like the sissies that they were as I drove after them like a psychotic madman on the edge with my Jeep. I really hoped one of them pissed their pants from this!

The girl coughed from the exhaust fumes and looked on. She would remember this always

"Thank you, stranger!" she shouted to me. I heard and gave her a quick wave with my right hand. She armed herself with her returned pokeballs and walked away on a new adventure.

Well, that's my story ladies and gents. I returned jacked goods and an injustice has been avenged and with that I bid you adieu.

* * *

**2 hours later . . .**

* * *

Jessie, James and Meowth limped themselves across a dirt road throughout the sunset with me still behind them. The chase drained what was left of their running energy and so I began driving slowly, I did however, rev my engine at random every once in a while just to gave them a scare and myself an amusing chuckle.

"It looks like Team Rocket's slowly limping off again . . .!" they said with tiredness.

They jumped when I revved my car again.

"Oh, man! That just never gets old!" I said with a laugh.

* * *

**The End.**


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